Mixed Feelings After Microsoft's Call
An ordinary morning. My phone rang.
“Is this Zongjian? Can you speak English?” “Yeah.” “This is Holly Barbacovi from Microsoft Windows Server Shanghai.” …
Thanks to Xiao Xie’s recommendation, I received a phone interview from Microsoft’s Windows Server team. But…
“I’m sorry, but my tutor asked me to do some research work for him, so I’m afraid I do not have enough time to…”
My senior-year internship at Microsoft showed me the魅力 (charm) and passion of Microsoft. Ever since I left Microsoft GTEC last year (also because of “my tutor”), the thought of returning to Microsoft someday has been something I dream about. Now, the opportunity is right in front of me, but I have to say those words against my will. A year of grad school has completely destroyed my confidence in graduate education. If I could have the chance to intern or even work at MS again, these two and a half years wouldn’t be wasted. But the realistic words I’ve heard are:
“I have a Tsinghua student, very smart… postponed graduation by half a year.” “Graduate students are the advisor’s private property, sacred and inviolable…” “If you’re not exploited by your advisor, you won’t feel right…” “I can混 (climb) to the dean level in academia — there’s nothing I don’t know in universities…” “Do you still want to graduate!!!!”
I’ve thought about dropping out many times, but I lack the courage and guts. If I can’t graduate on time in a year and a half, I can’t bear the responsibility. Now, I have no choice. I’m sorry, Xiao Xie. I’m sorry, Microsoft. I no longer have freedom, nor the豪气 (heroic spirit) of “give me liberty or give me death.” All I can do now is live like a walking corpse, foolishly waiting for April 2007 — that date I’ve recited countless times.
Complaining is useless. But sometimes, the压抑 (oppression) inside needs release.
I envy you. I envy all those who can fly freely on their ideal path. I envy you. I envy those who have freedom.
In the past year, my insomnia from grad school worries has exceeded triple digits. I feel like I’m developing a split personality. The fearless spirit of two years ago seems to be slowly draining away. I once thought about secretly seeing a psychiatrist.
Mom said my growth path was always smooth — I almost never encountered difficulties from childhood. Her biggest worry was that I wouldn’t survive in adversity…
My only hope: by 2007, I won’t have become a mediocre person with a master’s degree, nor a mental patient with a master’s degree. One thing is certain: as long as I’m alive, I will never接受 (accept) any more Chinese education.